http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aktLRiWXf
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Babylon A.D.
Posted: 4 years ago
LOL, I fucking knew this movie was going to be a piece of shit from the trailer.
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Posted: 4 years ago
must have been a blockbuster hit becasue this is the first i've ever heard of this movie ;s
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Posted: 4 years ago
Man I usually see like every single fucking movie, and I skipped this one
Thanks Chad
everyone knows VD is gonna just be balla as fuck in fast and the furious 4 next year (lolnot)
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Posted: 4 years ago
In case you were even thinking about seeing it, here's another gem, even the director of the movie thinks it is a pile of shit:
Our judgments, in any case, may be superfluous, since the director, Mathieu Kassovitz, has already publicly described it as “pure violence and stupidity.”
He did not mean that in a good way, and while I hate to contradict an artist’s assessment of his own work — Mr. Kassovitz blames 20th Century Fox for compromising his political and metaphysical vision
-- NY Times Review: Babylon A.D.
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Tellysavalas
"i sure don't like things"
Jungle Bunny (Rank 8)
In this thread I'm going to ruin this entire movie, because it was terrible, and I wish I had my money back. It officially ties Doomsday for worse movie I have seen in 2008. I would give it a 2/10, but it would solidly earn a 1 if I didn't respect Vin Diesel as a fellow bald man. Make no mistake though, Vin Diesel looks old as fuck in this movie, he grew his hair out slightly just enough so you can see he is balding and haggard, and all the fake tattoos and scars he puts on for makeup in this movie just look retarded.
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If you want to see an actual good dystopian science fiction movie with a similar premise and an actual story, go see Children of Men with Clive Owen and Julianne Moore.
That said, let's kick off the glory!
The movie starts in the sunny dystopian republic of Krgyzstan some 30 or 40 years from now. The world as far as I can tell is much shittier than before but maybe that's just because Krgyzstan is always shitty, I don't know, the setting, much like every other plot point in the movie, is never really explained. Vin Diesel meets some greasy wop guy who makes him an offer he can't refuse to escort some chick from Mongolia to New York City (via Alaska/Canada). That's the premise, it's not explored much why he's doing this, who Vin Diesel's character is, I'm not sure. "IM A MERCENARY, KILL OR BE KILL." this is all we find out. Off we go to Mongolia.
In Mongolia he meets the female he is escorting who is also escorted by Michelle Yeoh, we don't know why. Michelle Yeoh continues to make her presence felt in no discernable way for the next hour until the skull-bike/suit-sunglasses gang war scene when she catches an errant bullet and dies for no apparent reason. Eventually the Monastery in Mongolia is blown up for no reason and we don't see it and don't care. Also both female characters are nuns but have no other discernable nun-like features.
Fast forward to Russia. Vin Diesel goes to some techno dance club to meet his friend who can "get him a passport" to the security tight future United States. In the process, he ends up cagefighting some buff dude and breaking his shit off, and then also lots of parkour-doing ninja niggers are bouncing around and they kidnap the young female package. Eventually our man Vin catches up with this gang, shoots one of them, and then the rest of them give up the young lady back without any kind of struggle. One of them tells the girl your father is alive. We don't know why that is important, or why two dozen people sent to kidnap her would give up at the last second and relent because one of their guys was shot and wounded (not even killed). This is never explain, this continue on as usual to...
ALASKA! Our heroes try to board a sub that is smuggling refugees, lots of people don't make it and die in the cold water. They do make it, this scene is pointless, then they show up in...
CANADA! Vin Diesel meets up with his buddy from the techno dance club and together they get on snowmobiles and roll across the arctic tundra until all the sudden there shows up huge robot drone stealth bomber type things with machine guns and missiles. Vin is on one ski-doo, the other three are on the other. Vinny leads the drone planes away from the others and uses sick wicked ski jumping manuevers to fuck them up. The Diesel hits a snow ramp and does a midair backflip while firing a 9mm handgun sidearmed into a billion dollar airplane and it somehow disintegrates instantly. ONE DOWN. But there is another. And he lost it, it is heading straight for the young girl who he is being paid to escort, OH NO! The rogue plane launches a missile and VIN DIESEL DOES A BACKFLIP OVER A RAMP INTO THE MISSILE DESTROYING HIS OWN SNOWMOBILE AND THE PLANE IN THE PROCESS AND CRASHING INTO A FIERY HEAP ON THE SNOW.
Believing Vin to be dead, his friend betrays the ladies and says he's taking them back to his boss for a big payday. Vin Diesel wakes up from the dead and shoots him. Despite surviving a midair backflipping snowmobiling accident involving a sidewinder missile, Vin Diesel, it is discovered, has suffered minor shrapnel injury in his side. Our young girl pulls out the small piece of metal, and "bandages" the wound. Everyone is fine and we leave. Wait a second, what...? You are probably saying at this point. You are right. At this point, Vin Diesel wakes up from surviving a mid air colliding explosion with a missile, walks away from it with minor flesh wounds, and the journey continues unhindered towards...
NEW YORK CITY... where there is minor sexual tension when an underwear clad young female character touches Vin Diesel's hairy bare chest in a moment of extreme homoeroticism. Then Michelle Yeoh comes in to break up the magic but instead they have a threesome (kidding, about some of this).
Eventually we learn that all involved are part of some huge conspiracy. Young Girl's dad is a cyber techno advanced robot builder man and Young Girl's mom is a religious fanatic for some weird new religion where they all meet under bright lights in pow-wows. Basically, the girl has been built with some kind of cyber-uterus so she can conceive babies as a virgin and thus jump start the new revolution in religious crazyness.
Now is time for the aforementioned scene, where, fleeing the hotel, Vin Diesel and Michelle Yeoh fight their way through a skull-bike young gang and a suit-and-sunglasses asian invasion. Since the movie is PG-13 (something I didn't realize till after I left) this entire 2+ minute action scene is scene-cut so fast that you cannot tell what is going on at all, bullets fly, people fall, windows break, missiles are launched with heat seeking mechanisms to a chip in Vin Diesel's head, Michelle Yeoh is killed for no reason, then another missile comes to destroy them and the crazy virgin mary girl blows it up with her mind in some kind of matrix fire orgasm.
Crazy girl's dad rescues Vin Diesel and resurrects him with a world of warcraft scroll of resurrection and gives him some robot prosthetic limbs included a steel club penis which Vin uses to pulverize robo-dad's virgin daughter. Eventually Vin gives robo-dad what he wants, then religious-mom comes and kill robo-dad after Vinny and the girl escape out the back. Cut to...
STREET CHASE SCENE IN HUMVEES WITH GUNS AND GRENADES. Completely pointless, you can imagine where this goes, lots of people blow up, Vin and the girl live. Cut to...
HOSPITAL ROOM. Girl has twin babies, cries a lot, dies. Cut to...
VIN DIESEL BACK AT HIS CABIN HOME RAISING THE TWIN KIDS. Cut to...
Credits.
WHAT?